starting a new chapter.

dark chocolate melting on my tongue. scent of lavender tickling my nose. max richter filling the silence in my room. the soft evening blue my landscape. this is my current being. my atmosphere. I have been thinking lately how much is about the change, how much is about to move in a different direction, how things will turn into a new chapter in my life. As I look out my window, I feel at peace. I feel still. I feel balanced.

We do not like to be proud ourselves. We do not like to praise ourselves because it looks selfish, narcissistic, or arrogant. And in turn, we never feel good enough or feel like we have accomplished nothing at all. And to me, that is toxic and painful. If we follow that idea, we will never be satisfied with anything. We will never acknowledge the wonders we have achieved, small or big. We will forever be in a vicious cycle and eventually, we will get burnt out.

Today, I decided to pause and give myself a moment to reflect.

I graduate university in less than 2 months. Now, while this may not seem like a big accomplishment, for me it is more than I can imagine. For one, 6 years ago I was in the hospital with a severe eating disorder that even had me in a wheelchair. My heart barely beating. I was hopeless and lost. The world felt like it was spinning around me.

Conquering that was, and still is, one of the biggest challenges of my whole life. Things are much better now and those hopeless thoughts don’t occupy my mind and I respect and take care of my body. My stress and anxiety are not channeled into healthier things rather than taking it out on my body.

After the hospital, I did not know where to turn and started university again, on and off, in the states. I felt lost again. I started to feel like I had no direction and would never know what to do. Then, four years ago, I moved here, to Estonia, A place I had removed from my mind from the day I moved to the states many years ago. And here I am now, graduating from a university from the country I was born in, even the same university that my mother attended and here I am, doing it. It does still feel surreal sometimes and sometimes I still feel lost or crazy for making the decision I made, but most days? I am so damn proud of myself. And that feeling motivates me to keep going forward. And when I graduate in June, I hope to get accepted again and continue to do my master’s degree as well. Who would have thought? Definitely not me. New things will arise, the pressure of getting a ‘real job’ and figuring even more things out, but those are all things I will figure out as they come. new chapters bring anxiety..worry..but, they can also bring beauty and unexpected things.

Being 24, I sometimes feel behind or slower than others, but I remind myself that everyone has their own path. Moving forward feels terrifying, but exciting all in one. I still do not know if it will work out or not, but I want to try. I want to fall down. I want to mess up. I want to achieve. I want to make myself proud. Not anyone else, but me. Because remember, this life is for you and nobody else. Follow whatever pulls you in whatever direction. If it fails, take a different way. Mess up BIG. Succeed BIG. Whatever it is. And if you do? Be so proud of yourself. Life is too short to spend more than half of it being negative and never enough.

It is not selfish to be proud. It is confident. It lets you vibrate higher. It lets you be at peace with yourself and not at war.

What are you proud of?

Think about it.

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