When it is all too much.
There is a sea of blue outside my window. The clouds are like white ships sailing across to distant lands and are guided by the beaming autumn sun. This is the view out of my window as I write this. The soft crunches of apple and mellow jazz fill my room. I feel calm. In this moment, I am present, I am here.
Yesterday, though, I was not. My head was spinning. The sky was angry. The world felt ugly. My thoughts and mood felt debilitating. It all just felt like too much…
I think I can speak for a lot of us young people who are in university and figuring out how to be an adult, that it is so incredibly difficult. And I do not mean difficult in a light way, I mean it to its’ full entirely. Sometimes it is so bad to the point where everything seems meaningless and utterly confusing. Sometimes it is so bad that you feel detached from yourself. Stress and anxiety take complete control and you feel frantic or completely numb all in one. You do not know what direction to go, what to feel, how to approach anything, what goals to make, what to even do sometimes. Sometimes things just feel like TOO DAMN MUCH.
I feel you.
The semester started about a month ago and it already feels like I cannot manage anything. My classes require so much effort which I do not have enough time for. I have an incredible job, but it takes up a lot of time that I could be doing my work. I am in my final year in university and I am starting to prepare for the BA thesis already which is fantastic, but that also takes a lot of time. Trying to squeeze in time for friends seems to never happen because weekends are filled with work and by the time it ends, I am so completely exhausted that I have no energy or need to use any energy I have left to do school work. Also, being in a somewhat new relationship and only having time once a week to see each other when we live 20 minutes from each other. My mornings are something I value so much and throughout my whole university, I never had class before 10 in the morning, but this semester I have classes Monday through Friday that start around 8 in the morning. So, my mornings have switched from slow starts and mindful beginnings to the day to briskly waking, grabbing a quick breakfast and running out the door. It really has thrown me off and I crave a good slow morning to myself. Even just a good 30 minutes to slowly sip my tea and meditate. My yoga practice has been thrown off balance, I squeeze it in whenever I have a chance. It made me realize how much I value my practice because any moment I get on my mat is better than none. In fact, if I can just get a big glass of water or tea and 10 minutes on my yoga mat, my day already feels better. My poetry has been lacking as well and just writing/blogging in general because sometimes..things are TOO much.
I think you get my point. I completely understand what it feels like. And it is okay to feel detached, emotional, numb, frustrated, upset, scared, all of the above. It is normal. You are not alone.
I am right there with you.
Today, my friend and I grabbed a chai latte after our morning class and sat in the park. The sun was reflecting off the bright orange leaves, the breeze smelled of autumn, the warm sips and laughter filled my heart so much. As silly as it sounds, moments like this bring you a bit closer to yourself, they help bring you down from the storm of chaos in your head. They remind you that everything really is okay and there is so much good in your life and good moments you can squeeze in here or there. No matter how busy things are, ALWAYS find time for yourself. Always. I try to do that for myself and sometimes it does not happen. I go days without slowing down and doing something that makes me feel at home and makes me feel grounded. That is okay, too. But, try each day to give yourself at least 5 minutes of something. Something that makes you feel warm, alive, makes you laugh or makes you just feel at peace. Do that thing, whatever it is. Keep that moment for yourself or share that moment with someone who is feeling the same way and needs a break from the chaos.
Things are really difficult right now, I know and your life may feel like it has no path. Find moments that help you slow down. When it is all too much. Take it all in. But, remember to let it all out, too.