When Less is More.
This will most likely be a short post, but I really just needed to clear my head after a recent major decision, major to me at least.
I had planned on going to Germany to study this semester, but the last few weeks I came to the conclusion that I wanted/needed to stay in Tartu. While I was afraid to go and live in a whole new country for six months, that was not the reason I backed out. You’re talking to someone who, two years ago, moved 8,000 kilometers to a whole new continent to live, so no, fear was not my backing out point.
There were many reasons, one of which was the time difference in semesters. In Germany, the winter semester is from October until March. Here, the spring semester starts in February, so I would not only miss one semester, but a whole year. That of course, would have to be tagged on to my studies and I would not graduate on time. I know we shouldn’t live our lives filled with “shoulds” but I “technically” should already be graduated. I watched (from Facebook and Instagram pictures, oh internet) my original class graduate last year from university. If any of you are reading this, shout out to you UMKC dancers. I know everyone has a different path, but the thought of extending my bachelors a whole year, no thanks. One other major thing is the Estonian language. While I have improved SIGNIFICANTLY in the past two years, I am still no where I want to be. If I were to go away for six months, I would lose so much of what I know. I know this because just going away for the summer was detrimental on my memory. Being as my degree is English, yes, but I still have a lot of courses in Estonian and do need to focus on perfecting it as much as possible. That was my whole intent two years ago when I moved here. I do not want to detach myself anymore from my mother tongue like I did for 15 years.
Now, I am not writing this to justify my opinion to anyone. My decisions are my decisions and people can assume anything they would like. That is the beauty of each and every single one of us and our lives’. We can do as we wish. We follow our souls and inner wisdom to the places, people, and experiences that make us feel good. We are always taught that, or at least I had this vision, that the more the better. The more you throw yourself into, the better your life will be. And you know what? It can be like that sometimes, it really can. That moment for me was dropping everything and moving across the world. That was a pretty big throw and a major change. But, it was during this moment of deciding about Germany that I realized…less is more sometimes. Sometimes it is not about expanding, but settling temporarily and refocusing. For me, that is now. That is Tartu. That is THIS university. That is my English degree. That is my Estonian language. That is reconnecting to my birthplace as long as I can. After my bachelors? Who knows? Maybe then it’ll be time for another big throw. Another big leap. Or maybe a small one. This life is yours and only yours. Color your life the way you want it. Make the leaps and stops as you wish. Let people help you create, but never control which way the lines go.
This is what I am learning and hope anyone reading this can connect with. If you are afraid of making a decision because of what people might say, don’t. Take a deep breath and focus on you. Take your decision and list the ways in which it makes you feel good and the ways in which it doesn’t. Then, sleep on it and make the decision based on what your inner self tells you, not what someone else might think. Trust you. You know best.
This goes to anyone reading this…..take that big leap. Or? Just stay right where you are. Listen to your calling.