Accepting your demons.
This blog is all about being real and genuine. There’s no being superficial, fake, or telling my readers things I don’t truly believe in or feel myself. This blog is raw and pure. On that note, today was a very raw and revealing day. It started out quiet and blissful as most mornings do with my boyfriend and me. Mornings are something I value very much and don’t like it when it has to be rushed or hurried. The days are getting darker and darker here in Estonia as the winter matures. I do crave the sun most days, but with the snow that we have already had, I don’t get as sad with the daylight being so short. Being in a small town, the snow makes you feel like you’re in a snow globe. It really does feel like pure magic most days. I also love the fact that with darker days comes my craving for candlelight. The very first thing I do in the morning is light the candles in our living room, the glimmer from the candles seems to hug the quiet air. It makes the morning feel so much more indulgent. When you pair the candles, dim winter mornings, plus a hot cup of freshly made coffee, it is beyond bliss. I have yet to find a word to describe it.
Back to today, after my usual morning, I noticed that I couldn’t seem to focus on anything. My mind was wondering every which way and could not seem to focus on getting anything done. I wasn’t in a bad mood, it was just innocent wandering and instead of fighting in, I gave in. Each time my mind wanted to wander, I let it. I stared out the window and let my thoughts run free. However, I came across something in my lecture notes that started off as a recalling a memory and led to unbearable pain..
Qigong, which is a holistic system of body movement and coordination, came up in my lecture notes. It is very highly practiced in the Taoism religion in China. This resonated with me because this practice is something I remember doing with my therapist in treatment. She specialized in body/movement therapy and this was one the first things that we did together. It was a very healing movement that aligned your energy, known as “chi”, back into place. It centered you. Since I was letting my mind go where it wanted today, I let my mind follow this memory. I then started thinking about my therapist and was thinking how she knew me at my rock bottom and how she had no idea that I’m living half way across the world now. I thought, “What if I still have her email?” “Should I contact her?” I searched my email and there it was. However, attached to her email address came old emails that started off simple, but led to much more. The email that I came across was one of the very first emails that my therapist had sent to my parents, it was when I just arrived to treatment. My therapist talked about how scared and in pain I was, but that I was opening up and realizing that I had a lot of work to do. I saw my parents’ response to that, about how worried they were, but happy that I was adjusting. Reading all of this, I completely broke down and lost it…
It’s almost as if reading this took me back 3 years ago to that very first day I arrived at the hospital… Sadly, being as sick as I was in the very beginning of treatment, I do not remember much. However, I do remember crying myself to sleep the very first night because I was terrified. I was in denial of being sick, wanting and not wanting help, missing home, family, and friends, and so many other things. My body was screaming for help, I felt so lost and uncomfortable….and reading these emails sent me back to that very first night..the feelings I felt and everything. I started to cry and cry, shake and shake, all these feelings were just flooding out of me like they had been trapped in me for a long time. Up until this moment, I thought I had moved on from that memory, I thought I had healed and was strong enough to think about those memories, but after today, I realized that they still shake my bones to the core. I realized that the terrified girl who got admitted into the hospital 3 years ago…is still in me. She is still there. She isn’t visible all the time, but she is still a part of me. I started thinking that maybe these tears are the tears I never got to shed, maybe I was so numb 3 years ago that I never let myself fully cry in fear and helplessness. Maybe this needed to happen…
I am writing this not for sympathy, but for a greater purpose. I am writing this to tell people that instead of trying to detach themselves from their demons, we should accept them. In fact, even in some moments, we should embrace them. For the longest time, I thought having these demons made me less of a person, but I finally realized that it doesn’t. I know that there are people out there who think like I used to and I want all of you out there to know that it is okay….so, so, so okay. After all of this happened today, I went and meditated on all of these emotions. Sure, I was half crying still and quivering, but I closed my eyes and let all the memories and feelings shower over me like sunbeams. I let it seep through my skin and let it tremble my bones. I took it all in..every single drop. And you know what, I feel more connected with myself than I have in a while. I feel just a little bit more whole and I think that is what a lot of us need, to feel a little bit more whole.
This is for you. Surrender to your thoughts. Your past. Your demons. Let them fall like stars into you. One after another. This is what makes you. And my goodness, you are so magnificent.